how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
