Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
