You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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