new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
