It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
