I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
