once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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