The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
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I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
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I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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