You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
