One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
