I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
