Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
