Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
