It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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