if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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