she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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