while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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