last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize