Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
