Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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