Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
