i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.