What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal