Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
