ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
