The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
