quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The air taste purple.
Randomize
