Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
