Plan B is the new Plan A
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
