Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
