She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
