We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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