We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
