I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
