I just pynch a tree in the face
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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