dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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