I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
