seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
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I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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