I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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