His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
