I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
