So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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