When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
