he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Randomize
