Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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