every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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