Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
