I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
