hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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