So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
