Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
