Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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