turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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