Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
