I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
