i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
