She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
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i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
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I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize