Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
